Look!!!

 

#Mine

Apology: Whatever you read here, will not sound good at all

This is an account of something so real it scares me to write. I am scared because I still dont see it or me. Growing up, I have had this sense of 'smallness' in me. When I talk of smallness, I mean all sort of things. From a small body frame, little feet and other things. However, I grew up around people who confused me on whether I am small or big. Let me explain this, from my small frame, and the fact of being a girl or woman, I was expected to tone it down a little. And it was not a good idea since my voice is thunderous. Even when I won, I had to tone it down as my voice of celebration was counted as pride. As I said , I was expected to be 'small'

I am going to talk about the way I walk. Whether I am alone or in the midst of people. I like lifting my feet low. I do not like dust. However, I feel forced to walk a certain way to fit into my smallness. And just writing that , made me realize that, I got confused when I became 'big.' I mean, even when given big responsibilities and anything big, I just want to freeze to my smallness. I am afraid of anything BIG,

Let me start with the simplest of things. Most of my friends talk of how big I have become!!! But most of you dont know that, When I go to buy clothes, I still look at the 'small dresses.' Big scares me. I still want to sink into my smallness, In the real sense, the big me got flesh.(kiuongamo-as my tribesmen would call it). I might be obese but even if I wasnt I still think I would be scared.

I want to recount something that happened to me last week, I came across a profile of someone close to me. This person, exalted her values, accomplishments and beliefs and I was wowed by the way they see themselves!!! For a moment, I was asking myself , how do you do that!!? I never asked them.

Takes me back to freezing to smallness. I do not even what to call it, It is childishness or immaturity or just plain fear. What is it really? My version of things..It is in me, and the fact that I do not look close enough. I do not look into my heart, my mind or my eyes or when I do, I do not want to reaffirm to myself who I am. What do I really see? 

Well, something I heard somewhere "The first step to recovery is admission" I am admitting to myself that I see myself small. or maybe I do not see myself at all. Circumstance or not, I cannot close my eyes to myself. and nobody is going to rescue me. I need to stand up for myself. I need to see myself. I am me and nobody can be me. 

Scared or not. It is my job to see myself. 

#Reflective Friday