Day 7: A Part of me; Then the other Part

"Breaking the faith is taking a side"

I am literally pounding on my keyboard. I am so furious, towards myself  and I don't know who else. Looking at my weak heart that cannot take a side. I have been thinking on this piece for weeks. I am mad about the secret-code. I have realized that most people live by this code and it is seriously unfair, it is retrogressive and it is the worst code people can live. It is the reason, most people are immoral, unkind, callous and so many other bad things i can name. Writing this makes me want to spill my guts out of anger, because I find myself wanting to live by this code. I hate myself for trying to compromise and even trying to understand this useless code.

What I mean by the secret code;

 Pretending to live by nonexistent rules, you cant ask questions, you can act or react, you simply have to adjust or understand the situation. Truth I expect explanations. If it is not based on truth, then it is not worth it. Damn the secret code because it makes you null, your thoughts and desires optional.

The secret code is redundant; it makes you a beggar to scraps and it never allows you to speak out or negotiate for what your are worth. Most people expect us to live by it. TO NEVER COMPLAIN AND THE MOMENT YOU ASK QUESTIONS, YOU TURN OUT TO BE A NAG.

Well, as it suggests, secret code, it means dumb, silent. As a talker, when i am subjected to a secret-code condition or situation:  I spend nights awake, thinking and re-thinking. I spent days speaking to myself. I look at pictures, I scroll through conversations. All they make me, is more angry. I hate being put under a code that yields me nothing but pain. A code that expects me to understand, that it is not my time. A code that wastes my time and energy. My thoughts shame me for not standing up. My head and heart wont give me a rest. As I said, I took part in this expose to bring myself to accountability for my actions, my thoughts(Even the deepest ones that keep me awake). Someone I love told me, that I cannot be the moral police. Well, at the moment, I know i am the moral police of myself, and at least 2 other people. 

I have had an opportunity to interact with people, have exchanges(words and pictures), I will say, people have given me tonnes to chew on. some of our conversations were imposed by me. I like pressing to know, that's why the secret code is not suitable for me. It makes me feel suffocated. I can not be me when subjected to the code. Well, I have plenty of secrets(for myself and friends). But the secret code is not my thing. Anything that requires me to compromise with silence, my place in life and anything that dims my light-It simply does not fit with the facts of my faith. Well, everyone else can drag it all out, But this is where my head is at. I am taking a side.

To be continued.

Day 6: Part of me: Then the other part

September 16: And Hey, I'm so so proud of you-B.M

December 3rd: P.S I'll always choose you over every other friends i have-B.M

September 27th: You are an amazing woman and great mother-D.M

November 14th : Just take care of yourself-M.M

October 6th:Am humbled.Friends like you are worthy to be kept!!-P.M

December 1: Friendship without borders-C.M

December: It shall be well-C.M

November 28th: So sorry my friend-C.M

 

It is accountability Friday. This verse comes to mind(Luke 12:48) 'To whom much is given , Much is expected.'

I know i have not said it much often, or reached out to you,

But I will say that I think about you. I read and take to heart the messages we exchange. The tender moments we shared and continue to share. The friendship. All of it. It makes me strong on the days when I feel cold and unsure.

This week i have had to think about friendships: the love, support, the genuine advice I have received from my friends. Of course i am indebted to you. I never take it for granted.  Reading through messages from my friends makes me realize that, I got a good deal. Maybe more than i deserve. The initials up here represent men and women in my life who have had access to my life. some of them, we go way back to high school. One person up here, welcomed me in Form one. She was in the same class as me, yet she offered to protect me from being 'monolized.' Later, I came to realize that, our families and parents were connected. Every time, I raise my phone, I know I will get a warm hello from her. Every time I am in Nairobi, I know I will get a hug(corona or not). That is how sure I am about this friendship. I just wish that, this person feels the same way when they think of me. 

I do not have many friends. Being friends with someone in the above list has given access to free and good advice. Calling to talk just about anything. Since college, this friend  introduced to film. His advice is so blunt, yet true. Having someone to talk about anything is not for granted. I would say my friends have stood the test of time. Some others, we were joined by common interests. We share the deepest of things. intense banter, laughter and the silliest of jokes. I feel understood. Early mornings and late nights.  Sharing fears, goals, and so much in this life with true people is a privilege  the universe has granted me. When i share these things, I want you to call me on my own word. 

To my friends,

I hope I can match what you give

I hope my prayers reach you

I hope you get my cheer

I hope our bonds lasts to eternity

I will give my best.

Love, Wavinya

 

 

 

Day Three

 I will thrive , for fire burns in my heart

Unquenchable 

I am not the kind you wrap in a neat and little bow

Am just not the type

I am an eagle

I have the power to scale up

To mountains, that seem impossible

You doubt it?

Well, you already know that , I wont negotiate

Bending , Only to the will of  higher power

Working on a different timeline

I know I am not out of time

Because I am rising, To your surprise

I am awake and on fire

Amidst the madness and the pain,

So, I admit to the pain

The fire to cauterize my wounds

Am all sealed up

I am no longer bleeding, Got plenty of tenderness

I want this to come as a shock

To your bones

Just for you to know that I can 

Rise

Without You