I should have written this piece, in November 24th. I held out because i had tonnes to think and feel, at that time. This year I have had downsides and upsides. The downsides I would have focused on, and then I would have collapsed and buried myself in it. It is been a bad year for many people. I will say I have experienced extremely bad and good times. I will choose the good times. I will start by saying that, In February, someone I love and respect posed a serious question. By the end of the conversation, I was mad but after the calm, I saw it. Boy, I am too afraid to face myself, Because I have failed myself. I took a mirror, and looked into myself. My eyes, I realized that, I needed me to survive. My eyes have that sparkle, it is yellowish and I knew that moment I had to fight myself, that need to be loved, that need to be understood, I had to get rid of it. That is how i started fighting.
The real issue was living one day at a time. I started acknowledging the things i felt and wanted to have. First, i accepted that I was in love with someone. I didn't care it was wrong or right. I said it, To myself and this made me, shake and the saying it to the person, made me free. I was free. At that time, I wanted to nothing from them. Then, with time, I realized that, I was responsible for myself. Feeding myself, seeing myself, loving myself. The most important realization was the fact that I was a mother, Real people actually relied on me. My well being was good for them and myself. I took this love and took it to heart and from February, even on the worst days, my heart was warm. I was not a bitter person. I was in love, with myself and with someone.
The right and wrong divide. I did the right thing, not to please anyone. Doing right made me feel so damn good about myself. I remember one day, I said to someone "You have no business standing close to the line" that is usually my coward line. Then, I realized I can stand close to the line and still have the willpower to do right, Be right. August 20th https://iamwavinya.blogspot.com/2020/08/titleless.html. I wrote that, because I would have done wrong but i didn't. I trusted myself with my freedom to do right. Call it freedom for excellence. Time and again, I could acknowledge the wrongs I did to others. When the time, to choose came, I choose myself. The courage came from love. I have never been happier.
Sometimes, we get served with the wrong cards. People in our lives, situations; That doesn't mean we stop playing. Play your hand. Do right. Truth, I found that doing the right things, makes you free and you don't have to deal with guilt.
I will say that, the last few months have been enlightening, I actually met someone who meant so much to me. Beyond my expectations, holding a conversation without anger or the need to defend myself. Experiencing quiet. Love. Plus, I have met Better people. Built good friendships. Seeing the world and It is larger than my computer and my sitting space. By the year-end, When i knelt down to pray, I was deeply grateful, for life, for the wins and for it all. Above all I was grateful for love.
